A while ago I went to lunch with my mom and had one of the best conversations I had had in a while. Well, actually it took place around last fall so I guess not a while, a little over a year ago. And while I left that discussion feeling full I didn't understand it as I do now.
The conversation started with me bringing up a video I had watched for my folklore class earlier that week. It was titled "Listening is a Form of Love." I thought it was beautiful because I feel like people these days don't do enough listening. There's a lot of talking, hearing, but not truly listening. My point was that by listening to one another we can essentially gain a better understanding of one another and experience compassion. But I was missing something out of this equation...listening to myself. Since I was young my mom had always told me to "stop running up behind other people," because me ensuring other people's happiness before my own would only leave me miserable and lonely. Well, mother knows best because it sure did leave me quite miserable and lonely. But don't worry, I'm up now :D.
I came to this realization as a result of alienation, but honestly, I don't think I would have learned any other way. Back in January, I moved to a new place for reasons not even completely my own. That was my first mistake. By March I had lost a lot... (But did I really lose anything if nothing is really mine to possess? Came to an end fits better.) or so it felt like I did. I generally don't like people knowing my business but for the sake of transparency and authenticity, I will elaborate. I "lost" several relationships, I "lost" hope after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and I "lost" faith in myself. Up until recently, my life had been a whirlwind of confusion because I was listening to everyone but myself. Even when I was in therapy my main concern was "What did I do wrong?" for the sake of others and not "What am I doing right?" for myself. But even then I can't blame my environment or the people involved in my life for my lack of compassion and responsibility for myself. That's it, taking responsibility for myself, my thoughts, and my actions. I had to acknowledge that I chose to play what I thought was my role in everyone else's life and forgot to p
lay the role in my own. I realized that if I want to be the most authentic version of myself I can be I have to be honest with myself, listen to myself more, love myself better because how can I expect myself to exhibit these values if I'm not applying them to myself?
So there I was about two or three weeks ago watching Norwegian dramas at 3:27am and I'm like "Yeah, something's gotta change." This was a moment of peak loneliness. Frankly, I didn't want to be around people either. I thought this, and immediately after asked myself, "Well Kiarra, what do you want?" I couldn't answer that question no matter what angle I approached it at so I sat myself down to make a list. Since that early morning, I have been working on doing things exclusively for myself. And I've been so happy. I'm learning, I'm living. It's so cool man.
I've had the most internal and external clarity I've had in a very long time. So yes, listening is a form of love. Listen to yourself. Love yourself. Compassion starts with you.
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