Man. I hope you all have been doing okay. Frankly, the last few weeks I hadn’t been in the best headspace. I’d become incredibly anxious and just devastated with myself because I constantly felt like I wasn’t doing enough or I wasn’t good enough, for myself. That feeling always makes me want to quit. It’s such an overwhelming feeling; to feel like you’re not enough. It’s so easy to get caught up in the close-up shot you totally forget what the bigger picture looks like, you know? Weeks on end I’d been stressed about school, which I was already doing pretty well in, stressed about my inconsistency with putting out entries, stressed about the quality of the entries, and just overall pretty critical of myself in general. This went on for a while until one day I just felt like I couldn’t. By that I mean I considered neglecting everything that was important to me. But that didn’t happen, and I would take full credit for it but I’d be lying, and I’m no liar.
A week before I had planned a date where I wanted to drop an entry. I texted a friend letting her know that I plan to and told her to hold me accountable. She did just that too. A day after the day I was supposed to drop she texted me asking what happened to which I replied, "I looked at the analytics of my last entry.” And what she didn’t know was that previous to her text I was having a whole breakdown. As I stated before, I was stressed about my performance in my writing classes and I was stressed about, essentially, the quality, impact, and inconsistency of my entries. As much as I’d hate to admit it one of my biggest fears is looking stupid. Aka, fear of failure. I hate it because sometimes you have to look stupid before you look smart you know? And it’s odd because I actually like criticism because if it weren’t for criticism I wouldn’t know what areas I need to improve in, learn in, grown in, but it’s like I strive for perfection which is obviously unattainable and it bites me in my butt because those two thought processes don’t go together. My expectations for myself can be unrealistic at times, which ultimately can be damaging. I get so caught up in attempting perfection that I forget that error is not only okay but it’s normal and my response afterward says more about me than my mistakes do. Woah. Crazy. Anyways, my friend responded by quoting one of my first ever blog entries. I hated her a little bit for that. She said, “ “My biggest and most frustrating setback was myself. For so long I doubted my ability and feared whether people would like what I had to say or just didn't like my content. In reality, it really doesn't matter who does and doesn't like whatever you choose to put out because the point is you did it. And you did it for you” f*** the analytics, you did this for you.” It was almost like she was the needle that broke the camels back. I might’ve cried a little. A little though. A lot actually. It was wild because a couple of days before I was watching a movie and it had a quote that I’m really fond of:
“Everything that you do in life will be insignificant, but it’s important that you do it.” - Gandhi
When I first heard it I wasn’t quite sure where I stood on the first half of the quote and I still don’t, but in a way thinking that everything I do may be minimal impact eases the pressure of it all. Both remind me why I even do the things that I do. Because I simply want to. I write because I like to because I want to. Because this is something I’m passionate about, I do this for me.
You know, I was a really big Jessie J fan growing up, like my entire middle and high school career. There was a song in particular that she released that I used to listen to whenever I was feeling this way that helped me to take a step back. It was called Masterpiece. Beautiful song. The entirety of the song is incredible but the chorus always stood out to me:
“I still fall on my face sometimes and I
Can't color inside the lines 'cause
I'm perfectly incomplete
I'm still working on my masterpiece and I
I wanna hang with the greatest gotta
Way to go, but it's worth the wait, no
You haven't seen the best of me
I'm still working on my masterpiece..”
Every time I hear this part specifically or even just read it I feel so relieved. It feels like I stopped holding the world over my head and it didn’t fall into oblivion, it stayed right where it was because I’m human. I am human. And I have control over who I want to be and what I want to do. I am not perfect. I AM HUMAN. I forget that sometimes. But I’ve never been happier, to be human.