Guys I have a confession to make. I am a hypocrite and an enabler. No like listen listen listen. Get this. I DO support Kiarra slander and here’s why: self sacrifice is not as noble as i thought it was. LOL!
So I did an analysis on Loki the god of mischief the other day and explained how I see a lot of similarities between the two of us. He’s observant, analytical, brilliant…but none of these characteristics lead him to believe he DESERVES success. We both believe we’re here to fulfill a glorious purpose but our line our thinking is contradictory considering we felt like we didn’t deserve to even be here. Stay with me. I’ve prepared an in depth analysis of my own insecurities and fears, where they stemmed from and how they showed up so nobody has to make the same mistakes Loki and I did. Judgment is allowed in this zone but only if you’re perfect. Hehehe.
Journal Entry July 17th, 2022:
“I felt like in life I had to rush to a door if I wanted to get through. Not because of time, lack of resources, or talent but because I didn’t deserve to get through. It wasn’t until I learned patience and acceptance of my weakness that I was able to slow down and get through.”
What does this mean? Dare I say it- I struggled with a high self esteem and a low self worth. This resulted in me taking on a Savior Complex, isn’t that so funny?? It’s not that funny I’m actually embarrassed but it’s okay that’s why we live and we learn right?
Let me break it down like I had to break it down for myself:
high self- esteem, low self worth: i know what/ am sure of what im talking about and doing but im not sure how much it’s worth because of how people me see me.
low self-esteem, high self worth: i don’t know/ not sure if what im talking and doing but i know it’s worth a lot because of how people see me.
I made a little charty warty to best explain what I’m saying. It’s mental politics baby!
Savior Complex. Beggar Complex
So on one side we have the Savior Complex and on the other we have the Beggar Complex/Narcissism. In the middle we have a beautiful balanced ego. Even though being a Savior and a Beggar are on opposite sides of the charty warty when unaddressed they both result in manic episodes and other forms of misguided behaviors due to the extreme stressors and imbalance the individual is experiencing. The main difference between the two is one believes they are entitled to NOTHING and the other believes that they are entitled to EVERYTHING. Two extremes, star crossed lovers even. Shakespeare really did eat when he wrote Romeo and Juliette. It’s an example of a phenomenon that’s been plaguing relationships for years, familial, platonic, romantic.
Although I’ve had a raging case of the Savior Complex my entire life I was VERY recently able to come to a realization of where this comes from and how to heal it.
First I had to go backwards, put my inner child in a car seat and head to address my inner teen.
Often times we talk about how important it is to address our inner child and free our inner child but for me personally shawty was never never locked down. My inner teen though…she’s a tweaker. Once I found her we had to have a little talk, make her feel understood. She expressed that while Loki makes adult me feel seen it’s important to understand exactly why. She said the analysis was beautiful but I needed to go deeper than that. She held my hand and she said “Kiarra, you keep looking for answers from everywhere and from everyone when you have them in your brain.” When I say I cried, then I laughed, then I cried while laughing. That girl is so funny. She’s right. At a point in my youth I was told that I was stupid, incompetent, a loser and often times it wasn’t explained to me WHY or HOW to improve so I brought those claims to life and began living that way. I thought, if I don’t deserve to win I can at least make sure that everyone else does. I had become my biggest gaslighter and everyone else around mes main supply of ego.
I had to acknowledge how my low self worth manifested.
Although I was a person that set boundaries with my family, friends, and partners because of my unhealed wounds I wouldn’t always make decisions that enforced my feelings and boundaries because I didn’t want to put my feelings above anyone else. I was double minded, and someone who is double minded is sure to be unstable. I would dip my toe in the water and wonder why I wasn’t clean. I struggled to make up my mind because I was scared I’d be punished if I was wrong.
As I stated before this way of thinking manifested because when I was younger I would be punished for my actions but it would never be explained why I was wrong and no effort was made to understand why I was acting that way. I contrasted this in my relationships by spending a lot of time understanding an individual and explaining my perspective when I felt slighted but never ENFORCING it, therefore enabling those around me. Allowing them to talk to me and treat me any type of way because I was “having grace and they needed help” but ultimately that caused more harm than help. I’m pissed because why was I behaving like a white mother…Anyways…
I’d be confused when people walked away from me and internalize this without taking emotional accountability. Understanding that made me realize that yes, while their response may have not felt the best and been hurtful it’s also important to recognize that hurt people hurt people. By this I mean, not everyone has the capacity to explain or even understand what they’re feeling so it’s important for me to take emotional accountability and rely on my own introspection. Through this I was able to experience true forgiveness and power.
Instead of asking “why couldn’t they?” “why didn’t they?” I asked “well why didn’t you?” This was a super pivotal moment I had yesterday with myself and I realized that I hadn’t acknowledged my power. All of my hurt stemmed from denying my knowledge, feelings, and worth. Damn. Imagine being afraid of your own success.
Well y’all. I can sit here and slander myself for hours (and hours) but truthfully I’m not going to have really atoned for my mistakes until I change them. And I am, I decided to take the nails out my hands and feet and put the cross away. I’m retired. Being a Savior wasn’t my cup of tea anyways. I’m stepping into my TRUE glorious purpose and my first action is sharing my journey in hopes that it brings clarity to the next Savior, or Beggar.