Right now at 10:33 PM on a Monday night, I am smacking on some spaghetti and it is so delicious. Shout out my mother dear for making this happen. Bro, I love her. And as much as I'd love to go on gushing about my mother in today's entry I'm afraid I'll have to save that for another day. I got a lot on my mind.
About a week ago I decided to temporarily take myself off and disengage with social media for a while. I didn't necessarily give myself a time frame because I feel like that would have been inefficient considering I didn't know how long I'd need to be off. About three days into being away from social I was like "Okay cool. Cool. so. I feel um, the same but different?" I realized I had dealt with the problem that was right in front of me, that's the easy part. But I still hadn't addressed what was actually going on in my head. To be honest with you guys, part of it was shame, part was pride. I did NOT want to admit that I felt insecure about myself. Wow. Yea. So insecure. The most I'd felt in a looonng time (Carti plays in the background). I usually didn't struggle with that so I was so confused when I originally noticed it taking a toll on me. I was ashamed because I felt like I was being shallow to myself but regardless of feeling that way it didn't go away and got to a point where I thought about it more than I should. I feel vulnerable right now, wanna hug after this?
ANYWAYS, when I finally addressed why I was feeling this way it was because of my lack of confidence in who I am as a person was beginning to affect the confidence of my appearance. And bro when I tell you I was MINDBLOWN. I hadn't told myself in a while that I go hard in the paint because I do go hard 𝓲𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓹𝓪𝓲𝓷𝓽. It's actually insane how much better you feel about yourself when you know or are reminded of who you are or the better you you strive to be. It is easy for me to lose sight of that, especially at this time, being cooped up in my mind most of the day bullied by my thoughts.
It's been interesting. Quarantine has been one big learning experience for me. I started watching this show, it's called The Midnight Gospel. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant. It might just be one of my new favorite shows. In one of the episodes the main character, Clancy, is super frustrated with himself and his current life situation so his alternate world simulator sends him to meditate with his friend Dave. After being forced to 'stay still' by a monkey with a cape Clancy comes to a realization. He says to Dave, "The moment I just accepted where I was instead of wishing I was somewhere else, everything just got better." I love that he said that because that goes for everything. As soon as you accept who you are, what you look like, etc in that present moment, there's a little pressure lifted off of you. Improvement and progress are always amazing but accepting where you're at then and there is equally as prevalent. Dave explains to Clancy the importance of spaciousness, which is basically putting space between you and your thoughts. Psychological space. He then goes on to emphasize that when you are overthinking or frustrated, the goal isn't to empty your mind or make your thoughts shut up. It is to accept that you have those thoughts but your thoughts do not make you. Really cool concept I wanted to share. Definitely made me feel a little lighter. Which is interesting, in one of my favorite writer's books, Six Memos for the Next Millennium, Calvino features lightness and the of the significance of it in that regard. Hm, cool stuff.